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Dr Robert Glover – No More Mr Nice Guy

Jun 23, 2020 | Mental Health, Relationships

Dr. Robert Glover is a psychotherapist, family therapist, Author, blogger and podcaster.

He is an internationally recognized authority on the Nice Guy Syndrome on which he has penned an extremely successful book called No More Mr Nice Guy. This is widely regarded as one of the leading works on how men can live better and more fulfilling lives.

He is a frequent guest on radio talk shows and has been featured in numerous local and national publications.

Through his book, online classes, workshops, podcasts, blogs, consultation, and therapy groups, Dr. Glover has helped change the lives of countless men and women around the world.

He has helped thousands of Nice Guys transform from being passive, resentful victims to empowered, integrated males. Along with these personal changes have come similar transformations in these men’s professional careers and intimate relationships.

He is the creator of Dating Essentials for Men and the director of TPI University and he lives in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico with his wife and children

“a lot of nice guys think that a women would be lucky to have us  but we are not sure why a woman would want us because we think we are fundamentally flawed inside, cos i do all these things for her, I listen to her talk about her problems, i raise her kids for her, i bail her out out of debt, we end up getting used where women are happy to tell us their problems but it would never cross their mind to want to get naked with us”.

– dr robert glover

 

 what you need to know about nice guys in a nutshell:

 A nice guy doesn’t believe that he is enough as he is which is characterised by:

  1. Trying to become what other people what him to be
  2. Trying to hide anything that may get a negative response

Three things happen in Roberts experience:

  1. The women starts to treat him badly consistently (in the absence of boundaries)
  2. The women loses sexual interest if a guy doesn’t have a backbone or solidness about him – Roberts second wife said to him “if I don’t know you can stand up to me how will I ever know that you will stand up for me”.
  3. We become passive aggressive, don’t show up, we look at porn, and we engage in “victim pukes”.

3 types of contracts, all manipulative and have “if then” propositions

  1. if I am a good guy, then I will be liked and loved
  2. if I meet everyone else’s needs without them having to ask then they will meet my needs without me having to ask
  3. If I do everything right then I will have a smooth, problem free life

 

robert and I discussed the following in this episode:

  • How No More Mr Nice guy has been out for almost two decades now and why initially publishers thought that men wouldn’t buy a self-help book.

  • The way that the books following has snowballed over the years through word of mouth and later social media, podcasts and blogs.

  • The deeply unconscious nature of paternal guidance around being in relationships.

  • Roberts realisation that when he first started working on him in a 12 step group he realised , that men were coming to him in couples counselling saying the same thing as he was experiencing i.e. they were being Nice Guys but their marriages weren’t succeeding.

  • He found that when men can get into a men’s group, coaching and other men, things start resonating. We realise that we are not alone and see other guys making the same mistakes.

  • Robert freely admits that having a PhD at 29 in Marriage and Family Therapy still leaves him in his 60s still trying to figure things out.

  • Nice Guys hide our needs, wants, sexuality and feelings, and other aspects about themselves to the degree they don’t even realise they are doing it.

  • This leads to unhappiness, low grade depression, they don’t make their needs a priority, conflict avoidant. Even though they see themselves as Nice Guys they can actually be quite passive aggressive and dishonest in order for them to keep up the facade

  • Sometimes there are addiction and habit problems as things are bottled up.

  • How men now are hiding everything that might be perceived as a negative masculine trait due to the push against masculinity which is adding an extra dimension to Nice Guys

  • Women feel safer, loved and cherished if they are with a guy with a backbone, who can take care of his needs, is what you see is what you get, and shows up and leads.

  • Robert stresses the need to not do this alone and by yourself by getting around other men’s groups, with regular calls, and workshops. He freely admits that as well as running programmes for others he is in a programme himself.

  • The experience of a men’s call he had today which enabled him to vent about what he is going through with his wife right now and after 30 minutes he was feeling more energised and nourished by his band of brothers and tribe.

  • The best thing you can do for your marriage is for men to have men friends and women to have women friends (the tribal nature of this).

  • How Robert’s children get to see him engaging in relationships with other guy friends

  • The importance of role models and modelling behaviour to our children.

  • Robert references the work of David Deida and integrating the work he is doing externally into his internal nervous system. The subconscious way that we can react and how you can learn to rewire your nervous systems to respond in a conscious way instead of reacting.

  • How you can notice and address inherited behaviour patterns in a non-confrontational way and the gift this gives to your children.

  • The way in which your children can and will leverage weaknesses in your relationships to try and get what they will want.

  • How husbands and wife’s can work as a team, helping each other through their characteristics e.g. Robert references his wife doing maths homework with his daughter and getting stressed, the non-confrontational strategy he uses.

  • When we have done everything ‘right’ we feel that we have performed our side of covert contracts which are childlike and magical thinking

  • Life will always be chaotic and unpredictable which is part of human experience.

  • The middle ground in relationships and why it involves healing toxic shame, soothing our anxiety, developing an integrity of self, a tribe and mainly it involved rewiring of our nervous system over shame. Setting boundaries – a fundamental shift of being rather than more alpha or beta

 

 

To find out more about robert and how to get in touch with him:

Robert’s Website – https://www.drglover.com/

Robert’s Book – No More Mr Nice Guy

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